Self-sabotage is something common that a lot of people do without realising they're doing it. I've seen a lot of entrepreneurs, executives and more generally high achievers sabotage their success (and I was no exception!).
I know it's an "ugly" word and obviously, it's not done on purpose...
It has nothing to do with motivation (or lack of), it has nothing to do with being lazy or unworthy...
The root causes of self-sabotage are deeper than what one could think of. It's mostly subconscious and comes from wounds.
Let's dive in, here is the map of this article:
- The key to overcoming self-sabotage and becoming unstoppable
What is the root cause of self-sabotage?
Self-sabotaging happens when the subconscious mind connects life situations or consequences of actions and labels them as "dangerous" or "unsafe" or "uncomfortable".
Sometimes it's not even our own experience but things we've learnt.
Example: you've heard all your childhood that people who have money are heartless.
Now, you're a business owner and you're struggling to breakthrough a plateau because your subconscious mind associated "being successful" with "danger" - if you make money, you'll be "rejected from the Tribe". And belonging to the Tribe has always been a primary need since cavemen era.
Self-sabotage usually goes hand-in-hand with negative self-talk, low self-confidence, low self-esteem. But these things also have a cause!
It's a learnt behavior, no baby is born thinking negatively about himself/herself. Whether it has been developed in early childhood, passed down from previous generations or whether it originates from a past life.
What trauma causes self-sabotage? What causes soul wounds? One common cause
In society there is a belief according to which the opposite of love is hatred. personally, I don't agree with it.
To me, hatred is a by-product of fear.
The opposite of love is fear. Fear creates trauma!
You get wounded when there is an absence of love - true unconditional love.
Love heals. Fear creates wounds.
In childhood, when we experience our first traumas and wounds, it's because of fear: fear of punishment, fear of losing the love of our caretakers, fear of being humiliated, rejected, abandoned...
More generally, a fear that one of our basic needs won't be met since we're too young to be able to meet those needs by ourselves.
Trauma is created when one of our basic needs is not met and when circumstances make that we feel threatened and fear for our survival.
Shame and guilt are 2 main results of core wounds that are very toxic and harmful. We can feel shame and/or guilt when we are rejected, abandoned, humiliated, betrayed and when we feel separation or "in lack".
We make it mean something about ourselves while in reality, it's not true.
Healing shame and guilt is the key to overcoming self-sabotage and becoming unstoppable
I think it is safe to say that shame and guilt are the root cause of a lot of blocks we face as entrepreneurs...
A lot of what we go through as children create soul wounds: guilt, humiliation (shame), rejection, abandonment, betrayal and separation (lack).
Here, I wanted to focus on shame and guilt, to me, they go hand in hand.
Podcast episode: Healing shame and guilt, overcoming self-sabotage to become unlimited
I recorded a podcast about self-sabotage on October 3rd 2022, click to listen some food for thoughts. Keep reading this article for the journal prompts I am talking about in the podcast.
If you know you're ready to delve deeper in self-leadership so you can be the unapologetically successful leader of your life and you'd like to chat about how I could help you accelerate your journey, book your free call now.
Journal prompts to raise awareness and shift your mindset
Are you shaming yourself or talking negatively about yourself?
Journal prompts:
Think of a specific situation in which you are shaming yourself (if you have several in mind, tackle them why by one with this set of prompts)
Why am I shaming myself?
When did I develop this tendency?
Why do I think I need to have everything figured out?
What do I need to release in order to stop this?
Why do I worry about what others might think of me?
How can I be there for myself and accept myself?
The truth is that:
♥ shaming yourself doesn't serve your highest good.
♥ you don't have to have everything figured out
♥ you don't need to compare yourself
Keep going, keep being yourself and if you are going through an "identity crisis", if you're not sure who you are, ask yourself:
Who do I want to be?
How would I act, behave, speak, write if I didn't take the external world into consideration?"
Then close your eyes for a second and image the version of yourself who has everything you desire: how is he/she showing up? What is he/she wearing? What are his/her values? Write down everything that comes up and think of how you could embody this version of yourself more and more everyday.
Seeing yourself as an innocent child
What part of yourself are you ashamed of right now? Think about it and ask yourself why...
What would you tell a child who would tell you that? (ex: you'd feel compassion, you'd want to give him/her a hug, tell him/her that all is well, all will be ok and that (s)he is safe, you'd want this little child to success in life...)
What if you were that little child? Tell these kind things to yourself right now.
You are good enough, you don't need to be ashamed of yourself or of xyz. It's ok to feel a certain way but shame is a burden that isn't necessary.Ex: you can feel bad and apologise for being late to a meeting, but you don't need to shame yourself for that.
The reason why you're feeling guilty
Whoever has ever made you feel guilty was acting from a place of wounds
Feeling guilty is the result of being traumatised and being shamed, punished, yelled at.
As a child, you feel guilty for having done something considered as wrong by a caretaker as you were just minding your own business, playing and being carefree.
You therefore developed the belief that it is not safe to be yourself, something will happen and you will be punished. This plays a big role in self-sabotaging, you're on high alert, expecting something to go wrong and you end up creating this in your reality.
The day you start healing from the "guilt wound", you'll wonder why you don't feel guilty anymore...
You'll almost guilt-trip yourself for not feeling guilty, wondering if you're a cold human...
Spoiler alert: the answer is no... You're not a cold human if you don't feel guilty for something you wouldn't need to feel guilty in the 1st place.
I'm here to tell you that guilt isn't a proof of empathy or compassion. Guilt is low-vibrational, it's not a "proof" that you're a "good human".
When you start healing guilt, you're healing yourself at a deeper level. You'll still care, you won't be as affected, you'll actually be affected or concerned to the level you need to be, no more, no less.
For example: if you - subconsciously - feel guilty for being successful and for having more money (because you're afraid of leaving people behind and have the false belief that you don't deserve it more than anyone else), healing childhood wounds related to guilt will enable to you claim your birthright to success, prosperity, etc.
If you're ready for the guilt-free & next-level you, we need to talk! :) Get in touch either by email or book your call now!
How to heal shame and guilt
When you start feeling emotions like shame or guilt, just try to be aware of them and ask yourself what could be so terrible in yourself for your to feel that way about yourself?
Try to dig within yourself to find the origin, you can ask yourself these questions:
Journal prompts
When was the first time that you felt shame/guilt?
How old were you?
Is there a trauma?
Has someone reproached you with your actions, words or personality?
Who was this person?
Does this person’s opinion really matters now?
When you think about it and when you are bringing this past memory into the present moment, do you think that you deserve to feel shame or guilt about yourself?
I am encouraging you to take a closer look at that wound, there is a false belief that is now outdated because it belongs to the past and it is related to an event that happened in the past.
The past is past, it does not exist anymore in the now, it only still exists in your memory and in your energy field.
When you become aware of this false belief, you are opening the door to freedom, you can work on healing the different layers related to this wound and free yourself.
Accepting yourself is the key.
I'm telling you more about it in my course "Understanding your ego to access wholeness - a journey from fear to love"
How to accept yourself and practice radical self-acceptance
It is a process and the very first step is to decide to accept ourselves fully and to set the intention to work on it.
We do that by thinking about our feelings, thoughts, emotions, actions, words, etc. and by trying to understand where they come from in a constructive way, without judging ourselves but simply observing the reactions and feelings that come up.
Just know that you did your best, even if you are not happy about this part of yourself (whatever it may be: an aspect of your character, of your physical appearance...) or your actions. The fact that you are questioning this very thing shows your awareness that something in you is not in harmony and that is ok.
We are all human beings and it happens to all of us.
The thing is to not stay stuck in the past and to forgive yourself, to accept and to love yourself and then to integrate this part of you that you consider as dark (what we call the “shadow self” - I have a very affordable "Shadow Work Masterclass" that gives you 3 steps to get started on your healing and self-acceptance journey - get it here).
There is nothing that can't be changed, we can all work on aspects that we don't really like and we do not do this by rejecting or running away from that aspect but instead by including it, by acknowledging the way we feel and by deciding mindfully to do something that makes us feel better about ourselves or our actions.
To summarize, accepting ourselves can be done through forgiveness, acceptance of the fact that we can’t change the past and understanding that we can change the way we feel about the past in the now moment.
Understanding our wounds and their origins can also really help us to forgive ourselves and to heal these wounds.
In any case, decide to be your own friend and to support yourself from now on. It is important that you are one with yourself and that you understand yourself so you can have a better understanding of other people too and accept yourself and others for the being they are.
My shadow work masterclass available, it will help you get started on your self-acceptance journey.
Never be afraid to ask for help - Asking for help is a sign of strength
Have you ever heard someone say "Asking for help is a sign of weakness"?
Let's call BS on that, shall we? Asking for help is a sign of strength - NOT weakness!
It takes courage to ask someone to help you, it means you know you are meant for more and you refuse to settle for less than for what you deserve.
It means you're human. We can't know everything, we are all unique with a unique set of gifts, abilities and knowledge is meant to be passed on!
Never be ashamed to be asking for help and if someone ever tries to ridicule you for asking for help, they're only showing you their wounds, they don't know better, silently send them good wishes and compassion but don't listen to them.
Always reach for your next level, no matter what others say.
And if you're not sure whom to ask help from, ask God or your inner wisdom to show you the way, have you ever heard the saying "when the student is ready, the teacher appears"? It is so true!
If you feel you're ready for more, let's hop on a free call and chat about what could be the best option for you - a session or pocket coaching.
I'll be looking forward to connecting with you!
Morgane